It’s August, Y’all. Put the Pumpkin Spice Down.

I walked into the grocery store the other day and saw Halloween candy. Real, honest to God, candy corn and the like. Halloween candy in August.

Y’all. I don’t mean to sound like a hypocrite, seeing as how my last post was about my Christmas in July themed fete and did, in fact, feature tinsel and Christmas trees, but those things are in jest. I am not suggesting we throw ourselves head-long into the holidays here in the midst of summer, and let me tell you just a few reasons why:

It is still 900 degrees outside.

My swimsuit is damp.

There is sunscreen in my purse.

I haven’t even forced my dogs to wear their tiny captain’s hats and board their yacht float for a summer photo op yet. YET.

And somebody would like me to start thinking about miniature chocolate bars shaped like ghosts? I’m not one to turn down a snack, but absolutely, under no circumstances, not. And you know if you buy that candy, you are not going to store it away for the next three months for your trick-or-treaters. You will eat that candy, and buy more candy, and eat that candy, too.

Who decided that we needed to speed-run the calendar? Summer doesn’t officially end until September 21 and I would like to enjoy one season before being threatened with the next one. This is giving new meaning to the term “holiday rush.'“

And of course, we can’t talk about early holiday happenings without mentioning it: pumpkin spice, which has apparently become less of a flavor and more of a hostile takeover. And the crowd collectively groans.

Coffee? Pumpkin spice.

Candles? Pumpkin spice.

Cereal? Pumpkin spice.

Creamer? Pumpkin spice.

Dog treats? Probably pumpkin spice.

Can someone please pass the pumpkin spice ranch dressing?

Don’t get me wrong: I actually like pumpkin spice, just not when my thighs are still sticking to chairs and my upper lip is sweaty from walking across the parking lot to obtain it. I like the spice of the pumpkin when it is fall, when the leaves are changing, when I might think of wearing a sweater without suffering a heat stroke. But in August, in the South? Cinnamon feels like corporal punishment. I am still over here enjoying my spicy margarita, thank you so much for asking.

But now we have decided we need to rush it all. No time to wait! Get out of the pool and run for your latte loving lives to Starbucks—the PSL is here!

Now Halloween apparently needs a three-month marketing campaign.

By Labor Day, people will have fully decorated their houses with skeletons and tombstones.

By September 15th, there will be a 12-foot inflatable witch standing in somebody’s front yard.

By October 1st, the Christmas decorations will already be making their way onto the shelves. Sorry, Thanksgiving, you have been sacrificed. We simply didn’t have the time to count our blessings when there were too many inflatables we needed to deck these halls with, STAT.

So now Christmas is overlapping Halloween on this new fast-track holiday worldwide whirlwind, and as much as I love any and every reason to celebrate, I can’t get on board. Because once Halloween and Christmas start to merge, I no longer know what season I’m in. Is it spooky? Is it merry? Should I be buying trick-or-treat candy or candy cane print wrapping paper? Am I supposed to be drinking apple cider or eggnog?

And so help me, no one try to move New Year’s any closer to me than it has to be—I loathe, despise, and abominate New Year’s Eve and her resolutions. We do not need to hurry in any way to get to that point. Everyone simmer down.

I don’t want to be sitting beside the pool in August thinking about whether I’ve bought enough stocking stuffers. or if I’m going to resolve to be more spontaneous this year and then flatly refuse to do anything I hadn’t planned on doing.

I’m not ready to think about Thanksgiving dinner while I’m still wearing my swimsuit. Let’s just say it gives new meaning to “stuffing.”

And I definitely don’t want an email in September reminding me that there are only 97 shopping days until Christmas. Besides, if you live your life right, every day is a shopping day. Now stop with these idle threats.

Don’t get me wrong: I am still a great lover of the holidays. I am still going to decorate for allllll of the things. I still want a wreath for every occasion hanging on my front door, the perfect porch, a family photo from each event, a signature cocktail to sip, a playlist to set the mood, and naturally, the perfect outfit(s) for it all. And I vow to always get entirely too excited about Christmas.

But I’m going to enjoy August while it is August. I’m going to sit out in the sun, and drink something cold, and wear flip flops and sundresses. I am going to grill out, and enjoy long summer evenings, and completely ignore the candy corn and pumpkin spice and marshmallow ghosts. So let’s slow it down a little.

Halloween will still be there.

Christmas will still come.

Pumpkin spice isn’t going anywhere.

And if it does, I promise I will personally let you know.

Until then, y’all…

It’s August.

Go enjoy your summer. I have a pool to sit beside.