I Am Resolved

Here we are: It’s January. The Monday of all the months. The party is literally over, and now it’s time for resolutions (says the girl who ate gluten free pizza and Doritos for lunch on New Year’s Day for one last hoorah). I’m not one to get caught up in the “new year, new me” cliche, but I do try to make a few reasonable resolutions each year that will help guide me into the coming months and offer up a little incentive toward being a better version of myself, or at least keep me from being someone who walks around in her pajamas until noon. One baby step a time.

I found this handy dandy, most depressing chart of the most common New Year’s resolutions. How many times have I made these? And failed at these? I refuse to set myself up for defeat again this year. No, it’s time to be a bit more creative and think of some better things to resolve than just this mundane list of the usual suspects. Those are ordinary resolutions for ordinary people, and y’all: we are extraordinary! Here’s what I’m thinking for my 2024 resolutions:

First, I’m going to drink less. No one panic. I don’t mean less dirty martinis, less spicy margaritas, or gasp and perish the thought less Diet Coke. I mean less things I don’t find delicious. I’m going to drink less undesirable drinks like buttermilk, unsweet tea, orange juice, and Pepsi products. Life is far too short to find yourself sipping a Diet Pepsi, and I for one am giving up that abomination of a soda for good. If a restaurant can’t serve me a Coca-Cola product, I shall abstain and make due with water as a sign of protest. Quality over quantity, or something like that.

While I’m reducing my intake, I will also cut back on my Amazon purchases (if you own stock, beware that the share prices will likely drop dramatically. Jeff Bezos may have to downsize his mega yacht). This will likely mean that instead of ten packages a day, I only get two. I know, it’s a huge sacrifice, but I have begun to wonder how much of what I’m purchasing is a need versus a want. There is a chance that that steam cleaner for bathroom grout was an impulse buy. The same could be said for the Troop Beverly Hills sweatshirt (but, really, adorable). Having calculated the amount of money I am wasting spending each month on these type of purchases, Clint and I could do a fair amount of traveling rather than buying the latest “hot deal of the day” like that ever-practical paper plate dispenser for our kitchen.

I am resolving that our porch won’t look like this in 2024. Not every day, anyway.

However, if you know me at all, you know I am not one to make do with less. I am a person more prone to excess and extremes. In order to make some resolutions that are achievable, I realize I need to throw some things in the mix that go along with that aspect of my personality. With that in mind, I gladly resolve to pay more respect to the “trinity” in 2024. No, I’m not having a religious awakening. This trinity I am referring to is the holiest of Southern brand trifectas: Duke’s, Little Debbie, and Chick-fil-A. I’m still going to take good care of my health, but everything in moderation. Who wants to live a long life, if that life is devoid of the Lord’s chicken and oatmeal cream pies? And anyone who doesn’t know that Duke’s is the only mayonnaise worth spreading can go straight to Hellman’s. Stock thy pantry and nourish thy body and soul. In other words, I resolve to treat myself. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

Glory to the nourishment and deliciousness of these foods the Lord hath provided, now and forever. Amen.

I have also resolved to celebrate more. You all know I love a good party, but in between the birthdays and the big holidays, there are plenty of wonderful reasons to revel. Every Tuesday can (and should) be taco Tuesday, which is cause enough to fiesta. January 26 is designated as Spouse’s Day (Clint, mark your calendar, dear). While I will probably skip Work Naked Day on February 2, Alfred Hitchcock Day on March 12 could be a fun and creative day to watch some scary movies and give yourself the heebie jeebies. From National Doughnut Day to World UFO Day, there are endless options for whooping it up. And who couldn’t use more whooping up in their world? You can always give any or all of these a try, and if you hate them, Ditch New Year’s Resolution Day is January 17. Celebrate accordingly.

That seems like more than enough alleged self-improvement. I would hate to become unrecognizable, or so perfect it intimidates those around me. I also resolve to always remain this imperfect and approachable version of myself—you’re quite welcome.

Whatever your resolutions, or if you resolve to skip this tradition all together, I hope 2024 brings you good health, great times, and fine china (a sure sign of my maturing age). Cheers to a brand new year!